The Timeline Of Our Lives

I almost named this blog "Timeline."

When initially dreaming up this blog, I had brainstormed for months and months about the concept of sharing where I thought I'd be at any given point in my life, how behind and alone I have felt on this journey, and how ultimately, the lesson I've learned over and over again is that there is no timeline; that life doesn't work like that. Readers would have the chance to submit their own stories and share their own trials and triumphs, and the hope was that at the end of each post, maybe we'd all feel a bit more normal about the growing pains of growing up. We'd all feel less lonely.

Years later, I clearly decided to go down a slightly different route, but you'll see that existential theme weave in and out of my writing, as it's a very personal subject that's always on my mind. Like, always. Sorry in advance for the fixation and redundancy.

I've done a lot of reflecting over the last few years (both in my head and out loud, quietly monologuing to myself in the shower) about the evolution of our minds and bodies as we grow older. I had a lot of opportunities in my 20's to make peace with my changing body as the years came and went, but I rarely recognized or even processed how much my mind was developing and growing.

When you've always been the girl stuck in the toxic cycle of self-hate, suicidal ideation, and a dark, pessimistic outlook, it's hard to perceive life as anything other than a struggle. An insurmountable challenge. It's hard to feel excited about what's to come, because what if it doesn't? What if I'm anchored in this treacherous sea of mental illness forever? All I had was a series of "right now"s - no real hope that I or my health or my mindset could change, despite the endless amounts of therapy I've attended since I was 21.

What I've been delighted to discover over the last year alone is that with a maturing mind comes the ability to truly heal. To truly believe you can heal, and have the life lessons and life experience and wherewithal to apply toward where you're going - not where you've been or where you're stuck. As I dragged myself through those scary, seemingly never-ending seasons, I gave myself the gift of time.

The time to grow. Time to mature. Time to experience all of the things I had to in order to arrive at my most authentic, resilient self. Which, I know, is impossible to fathom when you're really going through it.

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Time. I know I've written about it in a couple of different ways so far, but if there's one thing I'm grateful for, it's that. Although ready to be done, I gave life a chance to pan out - I gave myself a chance. A chance for my circumstances and my growing mind to evolve and slowly morph into something more palatable and someone more capable. Someone I, both gently and suddenly, could love and understand for the first time in my life.

Resilience is built over time. Our timelines prep and prime us to handle all of the "big life" stuff that we never planned for, or never allowed to be an option. I think back to a time in high school where I couldn't get a grasp on how life could actually get better - now I think ahead about everything that could happen, and how I want to be there to face it; because I now know that I can.

I cry thinking about that broken girl. She was so, so sad, and so lost. But she gave me time, something she had to fight every single day to do. And I'm so proud of her, and every other person in the world who has had to choose to show up every day, even when it seemed impossible.

So yes, my life hasn't always been what I imagined - it still honestly isn't. I've felt behind, alone, resentful and disappointed by many, many things that have or have not happened over time. But my inner life, my inner timeline, has been the most awe-inspiring thing to be a witness to. My soul has endured a million hits to bring me to this point, and now being 30, I embrace this age wholeheartedly as I know I will only grow stronger, more compassionate toward myself, and more resilient as time goes on.

Speak to your soul. Really sit down and listen to how far you've come. How brave you've been. How open you can now be to happiness and light, simply because you trust that it will guide you through any storm or heartbreak. Talk about how hard it was, and accept that where you're going now can be easier. Softer. Lighter. All the things you've longed for and undoubtedly deserve.

That's direction I wanted to take this blog in. Yes I can focus on the life events that formed me and directed me toward where I am now, but I've become more curious about what's stirring inside my soul, and how others can relate to my same thoughts and feelings, about anything.

Life may not be what we imagined - but know that you will guide yourself through it, again and again, just as you always have, after all this time... that's a pretty remarkable future to look forward to.