The World Needs A You

"The world needs a you."

That's what my therapist said during our session this week. Simple, yet so profound in that moment. It's crazy what timing can do to align a concept and an open mind at the very moment it's needed. When you're ready, and you're in a place to receive it. I sat with that line for a while after our session, repeating it to myself all week, and have been reflecting on it during the quiet moments of my day. This is where I arrived.

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I've always been a shy person.

Always always always. Insecure, reserved, timid, whatever you want to call it - I've always struggled with overanalyzing every little thing about myself to the point where I constantly feel paralyzed to be, speak or act on how I'm feeling. And with that comes fear of being judged or rejected when I actually do show bits and pieces of myself. Being vulnerable feels so consequential, but it's also the one thing I crave internally and in my relationships the most.

Even as a creative, self-expression is the epitome of vulnerability and self-worth. What's inside of you needs to be let out in a beautiful way that speaks for you. So to have this innate love for writing, art, photography and have it war with this compulsion to keep myself small and quiet, the fight has repeatedly left myself hollow and a little lost. Like I'm wandering in the woods waiting for someone to tell me what direction is home, even if I may already know which way it is.

It's harrowing, feeling so stuck in your mind and body. It's constant conflict within yourself that leaves you feeling like an imposter in your own life. You want and need, but you don't let yourself. You have dreams, but but you don't dare dream them. You learn to blend in, take up as little space as possible, and the lines of what you think and feel become blurred with needing to know what others think and feel in order to function. I don't care, whatever you want! - Hmm, I'm not sure, what do you think? All because it feels scary, unsafe, to be yourself.

As I've grown up, I've slowly unwoven the tangled mess that keeps me in that war. But that paralyzing inner struggle still shows up in my life every single day in many ways - a lot of times, when I'm not even fully aware of it.

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My therapist and I have been doing a lot of "part" work within the Internal Family Systems modality. If you feel a little stuck in therapy and need something different to "spice" things up, I highly recommend doing some research - it will not be for everyone, but it's a process that just clicks for me. Visualizing these tendencies and behaviors as parts of myself who have learned to cope with the world in different ways, allows me to look at them with compassion instead of apprehension. And this younger, shy, part of myself has been around for quite some time, but I'm seeing her a little differently after my last session.

She was just trying to keep the peace; she was hoping to be liked; she was waiting to see where she fit into this wide, sometimes hurtful, world. And she just kind of stayed stuck trying, hoping and waiting. There was a lot of hate toward her growing up, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me? and why can't I just be normal? But now, and I'm talking recently, I can hold her with grace - she was teaching me some really great qualities.

There's power in holding space for other people. There's power in listening, and really caring about what people say, think, feel. There's power in being quiet and observing, taking the time to understand your surroundings and the people around you. I was learning. And as an adult, I can take those lessons and use them to evolve.

I can evolve into someone who can casually speak up in a meeting without overanalyzing. I can be the one who shares an opinion without basing it off of someone else's, or being worried that it may differ. I can just be a girl who has fun playing soccer, socializing, and being creative through writing and self-expression without beating myself down with criticism. I used to have a hard time envisioning that version of myself, but I can see her more clearly now as each day passes. Not only do I like what I see, but I'm proud of who I'm looking at.

"The world needs a you."

There's empowerment in that statement - you were made for this world, and put here for a reason. You being you is exactly what you're supposed to be doing. You're a puzzle piece that fits perfectly, and refusing to play only leaves the full picture incomplete - it alters your surroundings, and maybe even the trajectory of your life. With the emptiness I've been carrying around for 2 decades now, I've been concluding that maybe me not being me has changed my course, or has maybe led me astray from where I'm meant to be. So now that I understand that part of me, it's my duty to continue evolving. Maybe I'll finally make it out of the woods and find my way back home.

I think we can all relate to holding back - whether it's insecurity, fear of judgment, or just feeling paralyzed to act. My hope is that these words can give anyone the confidence, permission, to go be yourself and be it loudly. Boldly. Take up space, share your talents, speak your truth. And live, knowing you're exactly what the world needs right now.

We are exactly what the world needs right now, and that will never ever change. I'm excited to see what the magic of living authentically can do for us moving forward, together.